As I am sure many of you know, I am quite busy being a full time mommy. Leaving no room for real world work. Even though I knew it might have to come down to me working on weekends and nights to bring in some extra cash I never thought to deep into it. Scratch that- I job searched like crazy before I delivered Henry, panicked that we wouldn't have enough money to cover our expenses. Without going into too much detail my husband and I figured out how to balance our budget with me not having to go back to work.
Well all of those applications went un-noticed by employers and interviews led to disappointing offers or no call back at all. Then there was one- my dream job I titled it...they came back with an offer I could work with. I negotiated for a better salary and for more hours. They were originally going to only offer me a part time position with little pay, I up'd it to full time and 2x the amount of money they were originally prepared to offer me. So for that, I was quite proud of my extraordinary hustling skills. But like always, (those who know me best knew this would happen) the second I get exactly what I want, I dont want it anymore- I see all the flaws in it. I get instantly disinterested. It's the fight I enjoy, the struggle the back and forth negotiations. I should seriously take up real estate! LOL. That's what happened yesterday, the company came back with an offer I couldn't refuse and they and I both knew it. Except I desperately wanted to refuse it because it was EXACTLY what I wanted and what I had been fighting for for 3 long weeks.
These are the times where I annoy the living shit out of myself. I would slap me if I was my friend. I was begging my husband to tell me what I didn't want to hear, to make the decision for me. I was begging anyone to make the decision for me. Neither my husband, nor I, want me to go back to work full time. We want our son to be raised in our hands, in our home by me, his mother. I know he will be fine and be a perfectly functioning human being one day, not affected by his 3 day stints in day care. I get that. It's the leaving him part, the trusting someone else to watch my baby, the honest to goodness love of my life.
What is so sick about this mental struggle I am in right now is that a year ago I would be creaming my pants at this offer and it wouldn't of taken me 3 seconds to make a decision. But like I've said before, I no longer get to do what I WANT anymore, but what is best for our family. If only my mother lived near by so she could be our daycare-some one I trust completely.
Bottom line is I am taking the job. I have to. If it doesnt work out then awesome I tried being a superhero mom for a day. Better to have tried and failed then never tried at all. I have to do this for myself (something I've continuously preached for weeks) my husband who works so hard for his family and my son who would greatly benefit from his mother being a more well rounded individual with a place to blow off steam. I am starting to get excited about being a career woman/wife/mother. That's a lot to take on but if anyone were to tell me I couldn't do it I'd fight like hell to prove them wrong. So I am going to take on this huge responsibility like someone has just looked me square in the face and said 'bring it'. Ha.
So today is the last day of errands because I start training next week so after today I am going to park my ass and enjoy this last week of maternity leave. I am getting my nails done to celebrate, and possibly shopping for a great first day at the office outfit.
Watch out world.
<3 LC
remember to celebrate yourself!
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